You blewit but ill be back in laekciew tonigthso calll mee
dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Randomize
