my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Randomize
