Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
God, I missed his penis.
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