My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Randomize
