fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
