the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
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