he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
