I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
I want to be your penis for a week.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
