went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
Yes perhaps we are both wrong. And did you call me bj girl?
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
