he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
