he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
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