the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
this guy jus got head in a gas station bathroom from this fat chick with one leg
gross dude. was the guy blacked out drunk or something?
yeah and it only cost me 6 dollars
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
Randomize
