I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
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