How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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