i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
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