I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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