; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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