New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
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