apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Randomize
