You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
Randomize
