Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
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