Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
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