having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
