he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
I need to calm my uterus...
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
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