we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
Is her dick bigger than yours?
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
