pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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