I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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