On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
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