Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
Randomize
