I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
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