So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
Tornado booty call.. dedication
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Randomize
