The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
Randomize
