Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
He shit in the fireplace
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
