My friends, they love my intelligence
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
Randomize
