If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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