she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
my shit smells like andre
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Randomize
