is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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