Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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