I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize
