She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Randomize
