Tell her to GTFO!!!!! JAI HO!!!!!
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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