I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
Randomize
