Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
