we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
What drink are we having for lunch?
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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