I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
Randomize
