yeah i was sneaking up to her room and on the way i saw a picture of her and left
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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