i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
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