Just saw the homeless asian lady making a hispanic man pull her shopping cart with a harness. I love Boston.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
