You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
