im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Randomize
