I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
...so how do you feel about living with a lesbian next year?
hhaha i just laughed out loud when i read that
is that a "i laughed because im fine with it" or "im a republican" ?
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
