I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Randomize
