I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Randomize
