So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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